Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Simple Things for Simple Minds

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary

8:00 am - Dog food!  My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride!  My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park!  My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted!  My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch!  My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard!  My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail!  My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones!  My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball!  My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed!  My favorite thing!


Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary...

Day 983 of my captivity...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.  They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.  Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.  The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.  In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.  Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.  I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.  However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.  Jerks.  There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight.  I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.  However, I could hear the noises and smell the food.  I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies."  I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking.  I must try this again tomorrow--but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.  The dog receives special privileges.  He is regularly released--and seems to be more than willing to return.  He is obviously retarded.  The bird has got to be an informant.  I observe him communicating with the guards regularly.  I am certain that he reports my every move.  My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.

For now...

5 comments:

Ivanna said...

This was so funny I laughed out loud. Wonderful!

Lis said...

I was laughing too, thanks for sharing.

Lauren said...

Does the fact that I supplied this imply that I am simple? I laughed 'til I (almost)cried when over this, but my husband's mild response, "The cat part is kind of long" reminded never to endear him to be read to when he is contemplating killing a deer (a mule one no less).

Brittany Martin said...

You read this to Phil while he was aiming at a deer??

Brittany Martin said...

By the way, the title of this post refers to the dog's mind. Not my beautiful, intelligent, and definitely complex friend Lauren's mind.