Thursday, July 30, 2009

Stories About Idaho, Part 3

Once upon a time there was a good ol' boy local legislator who had been in office for years. There was an election coming up and a doctor from Nampa (just west of Boise) decided to challenge him. Everyone was excited as this guy was a self-proclaimed reformer who was tired of the incumbent's wastefulness and wanted to take him on. He quickly gained a following and locals were getting excited about an election that was usually pretty routine.

The challenger was invited to do an interview for a local TV station to define his political platform. He started out pretty normal, talking about how pork needed cutting and taxes needed dropping, but then something strange happened. As he started talking he started loosening his tie. Then he unbuttoned his shirt. At this point the TV reporter started squirming. Then he started taking off his dress shirt. At this point the TV reporter stopped asking questions. When he started pulling off his undershirt the TV station cut to a commercial.

Once the initial confusion wore off it turned out this political reformer was nothing but an escapee of the local insane asylum. He was not, nor had ever been a doctor, and the asylum authorities had been searching for him for about six months.

And that's what Idaho is like.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Stories About Idaho, Part 2

Once upon a time I had a contest with a boy in my class about how hick our families were. I told him that my relatives always compared hunting stories and how often they had shot each other in the foot.

He told me about his grandmother who chewed tobacco in the summer. When she was done with it, she didn't spit it out, but she put it on the fencepost outside to dry. When the weather got cold she took that same wad of tobacco from the fencepost and smoked it in her pipe. She saved the dregs from the pipe and chewed them in the summer, drying them on the fencepost....and on it goes. In fact she had not bought new tobacco in something like ten years. He won the contest.

This is what Idaho is like.

Stories About Idaho

Once upon a time I had a friend from one of the smallest towns in Idaho. As she put it, the town was so small that you had to know, in detail, who you were related to so you didn't accidentally date them.

Her uncle was a high school rodeo champion and had won multiple massively-large belt buckles as prizes. He wore these with pride on his belt, for years and years. Eventually his beer belly got so big that the belt buckles rubbed into his stomach. Instead of finding a more suitable belt buckle, he just got his chainsaw, cut the belt buckles straight through the middle, and kept wearing them.

And that's what Idaho is like.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Friday, July 17, 2009

Quote of the Week

I had never known that Flannery O'Connor said this before, but I really like it. It seems to be a good way to judge any medium of fiction: novels, movies, TV, etc.

"The two worst sins of bad taste in fiction are pornography and sentimentality. One is too much sex and the other too much sentiment........What offends my taste in fiction is when right is held up as wrong, or wrong as right. Fiction is the concrete expression of mystery--mystery that is lived."

Flannery O'Connor

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Encouragement for Moms

This is a funny story taken from Erma Bombeck. Some of you may remember her, but she was a humor columnist who published around fifteen years ago. She's a Roman Catholic and I read this a few years ago:

There was once a woman at my church who was the perfect mom. She had six kids and always managed to answer her door pregnant when the priest came to call. They were all obedient and cheerful and her house was always tidy. She seemed to be a cheerful woman herself so I asked her once how she managed to do it. She said, "Late at night, when they're all tucked in bed, and their lunches are made, and their clothes are laid out, and their shoes are lined up by the door, and the house is quiet and clean, I get down on my knees and thank the Lord that I didn't kill any of them today."

Monday, July 13, 2009

I Love This

I know this is old and made the Facebook rounds about four months ago, but I love it. I was thinking about it today when I used my credit card--which I hate doing. I also think about it every time I get frustrated at slow internet connections.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Happy War for Independence Day

I wish this was our current national anthem.

Let tyrants shake their iron rod
And slav'ry clank her galling chains
We fear them not; we trust in God
New England's God forever reigns.

Howe and Burgoyne and Clinton, too,
With Prescott and Cornwallis joined,
Together plot our overthrow,
In one infernal league combined.

When God inspired us for the fight
Their ranks were broke; their lines were forced
Their ships were shattered in our sight
Or swiftly driven from our shore.

The foe comes on with haughty stride
Our troops advance with martial noise
Their veterans flee before our youth
And generals yield to beardless boys.

What grateful off'ring shall we bring,
What shall we render to the Lord?
Loud hallelujahs let us sing,
And praise his name on ev'ry chord!

By Williams Billings, about 1777

Friday, July 3, 2009

California Dreamin'

My husband is a lifeguard at one of the most unknown beaches in L.A. Well, mostly just unknown to the type of people I know. It turns out that if you live in South Central L.A. and want to go to the beach, and don't know where to go, so you just drive to the end of the freeway, this is the beach you end up at. I love going there so much more than the tourist havens of Manhattan or Hermosa Beach. Those places are filled with frat boys and sorority sisters who plan on staring at each other all day. Here is a taste of what I saw in only 8 hours at Dockweiler (better known as the beach where all the stabbings happen):

Big gangsters swimming in basketball jerseys
Big gangsters swimming in wife beaters
Their ladies in gold and/or sequined bikinis (wearing all their bling)
A generator attached to a boombox blasting Michael Jackson's Thriller
Two couches and two mattresses dragged all the way to shoreside for all-day chillin'
A man with a bellybutton ring (not to mention several others also)
Every hairstyle you remember from 1990

One thing's for sure, they are having WAY more fun here than at the tourist beaches.